It’s Not Hard—Just Go Away

Has anybody else ever had that feeling—where you know you’re wrong, and you know you’re hurting someone, but you just don’t care? Where you will not surrender, no matter how childish it makes you look?

I’m supposed to be smarter than my sister. Better than her. I’m supposed to take the higher path, and not emulate her.

But I can’t.

People. They get too close. I have stupid moments, where I say emotionally damning things. The closer they get, the more their flaws pile up, the more easily annoyed I am, the more I hate them. Because they’re just pushing for closer. Closer. Walling me in, leaving me no exit. I can’t move. Can barely breathe.

This, of course, is about one of my best friends, Scott. He’s like my brother. And he’s “in love” with me. No matter how much I tell him I don’t want to hear it, he manages to come around to it. And it brings out my impulse to be as stupid as my sister. Resulting to acting superior by saying I’m more mature than he is. Feeling just as trapped in the argument when he says the same about me.

We’re best friends. We’ve told each other things in strictest confidence. I’ve never brought up the things that he told me. But when I tell him something, he’s sure to bring it up the next time I refuse to make out with him or parade around in spaghetti straps and shorts, or let him kiss my neck, or sleep in my bed.

Is it because you’re afraid of intimacy? Is it because you’re a prude? Is it because it makes you uncomfortable? Is it because of your sister?

Like it’s any of his business why I do the things I do! It wouldn’t even be so bad, if he didn’t say these things within earshot of other people. It feels so nice, to have a friend so innocently putting your inner turmoils on display for the rest of the world.

All the little things he does make me so mad. And he laughs at me when I try to seriously mention these things. Because the vast array of things I get pissed off about are hilarious. His wording.

When he said that, I was ready to kill him. Then he got mad at me for saying that I didn’t want to talk about it that night. No, I don’t want to get all weepy with him while we talk about our feelings.

He’s done things like this to set me off several times. He apologizes. I never do. I refuse to. Sure, I’ve got excuses. With my sister, it was the other way around, and I’m sick of apologizing, etc. Poor little me. Sure, I know I’m screwed up, but it’s none of his business, and I don’t want his input. He doesn’t need another opportunity to show how he thinks he knows everything.

But why do I do all this? If he’s like family, why push him away?

Simple. I don’t want him to be in love with me. If I’m horrible enough to him, maybe he’ll stop. Maybe he’ll go away. Maybe he’ll hardly ever talk to me, just like my two exes. Or maybe he’ll forget all about me! Whatever, just as long as it stops. I don’t care. I just want him out of my life.

I know that’s wrong. I know I’m just being spiteful and childish. But that’s not going to make me change my mind. I can’t just flip a switch and be more logical and mature. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing for it every single day.

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