For as long as I can remember, my sister has been one of my best friends. She’s always been there for me, always given me advice. We’ve stayed up way too late many a night just talking, making dumb jokes, laughing. Bonding. Because Mommy sabotaged most of our friendships, we were pretty much all we had. So we made the most of it.
So how does that lead to abuse, violence, and finally arrest? I’ve stumbled over that question many times. How did we get here? Who did what wrong?
I think that the closer people are, the more they are capable of hurting one another. And sometimes we do terrible things. I can’t leave myself out of that we. It takes two to tango, and all that. I wield my younger sibling birthright just as much as any other baby of the family. I’ve blamed myself for years, as a matter of fact. I was certain that she was right, and I was wrong, no matter what. Why was I being such a hypochondriac, whiny drama queen? Why was I so childish and selfish? I’d have done anything to be able to flip a switch and be more mature, less whiny and dramatic.
But still, I can’t believe most of it was my fault anymore. I can’t let myself. When we got in fights, I was always the first to apologize. In fact, she hardly ever apologized. She was quick to say, “I’ll never forgive you,” but never once did she ask for my forgiveness. She always justified her own actions—never a doubt in her mind, while I was plagued with them.
And just last night, I got texted by her friend, telling me that my sister was blaming herself for my dad losing his job. That she blamed herself for most everything. Well, yeah. That’s typical of her. Blame herself for everything except what’s really her fault. I honestly think it’s backward and self-centered of her. Since I told this friend that, he hasn’t texted me back. I’m sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to jump on the My Sister’s A Victim bandwagon.
I’ve never said I’m a good person. I’m self-centered. And I revel in the drama of my life. The great tragedy of me. I’m trying to find it in me to forgive, but I’ve already done it so many times, without really understanding what was happening. Aftershock, I guess.
I know I sound hostile, when I should be a saint and Too Good For This World and rise above it all, but I’m pissed. I’ve fought against it for all these years, choosing to walk the eggshells and spare my sister’s feelings, but I’m done with that. I promised myself I would fight—stand up for myself. Voice more of my feelings and opinions. I’m not going to be walked on anymore.